So I have a female coworker, her boyfriend is my friend and we all have lunch together sometimes. Her and I are good friends only, I'm married - and happily at that. But the point is, we text and make sexual jokes. I have introduced her to my wife, whom says she doesn't remember meeting her. Well, my wife went through my phone and took it as cheating. I understand anger a little, but we have never done anything other than text and eat lunch (only at work). My wife is talking about breaking off our marriage. Do you think she really means it? Do you think she wanted a reason to leave me anyway?
-Anonymous
Emily's Take: I can understand why your wife is upset, on the surface it looks like you are cheating or at least flirting with another woman. If you want to save your marriage, I think you need to make sure that you aren't taking your wife for granted. Do some of the things that you used to do when you first started dating. When you've been dating or married for a while, it is easy to fall into a routine and stop being the spontaneous daters that you once were. Women are also guilty of this kind of complacency as well.
I'm guessing your wife has been feeling like you two have been falling too far into this kind of comfortable rut and she doesn't get to see your romantic side that often. Then she find these messages on your phone and her world is rocked.
I do think it is inappropriate to send these types of messages to another woman; even if she's dating one of your friends. As much as you may think that this other woman is one of the guys... she isn't. She's not a guy and that is the difference for your wife.
Put yourself in your wife's shoes. Imagine you found these types of messages between her and another man on her phone? Your world would be shaken too.
The fact that your wife is jealous and upset over these messages is a good sign that she deeply cares for you. If your wife has been cheated on in the past, these messages bring back all that hurt and pain and that could be the reason she's talking about ending the marriage.
I don't think that she's been looking for reasons to end your marriage before this. If she were; she would have already kicked you out of the house and hired a lawyer.
I think you need to explain to your wife that you understand why she's upset, reassure her that there's nothing going on with this woman and that you only have eyes for her. You also have to stop the flirty texts and make sure you tell the other woman that she can no longer send them to you. This should also go without saying... the flirty messages also have to stop via e-mail, phone calls or in hallway conversations. They just have to stop, cold turkey.
Your wife will likely be uncomfortable with you going to lunch with this woman. If these two haven't met, in a few weeks, when things settle down you should set up a double date so your wife can meet this woman and see how this woman and her boyfriend interact. Sometimes, meeting the other woman is the only way to ease insecurities, other times it fuels them. I think that they need to meet so your wife doesn't think you have anything to hide; but if after this meeting, your wife is still uncomfortable; I think you need to respect that and act accordingly.
I think you should also put in extra effort to show your wife that you only have eyes for her. Leave love notes around the house. (hint – dry erase markers work perfectly on mirrors) Send her flirty texts. Surprise her with flowers, take her out on a date, help her with the household chores and just prove to her that all the love you had on your wedding day, is still there and you couldn't have picked a better mate.
And if you are in a position to have lunch with your wife, do that! She will be happy that you had a choice between her and this other woman, and you chose her.
Good luck...and be sure to ask your own question to our panel of women here!
