Why Do Guys Like All You Can Eat Buffets

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I’m going to start off this column by saying something that needs to be said: all you can eat buffets are not filled with amazing food. They have old food sitting under warmers, the meat tends to be the fatty leftovers that didn’t make a McDonald’s McNugget, and that being said, we as guys tend to love them. But why?

As the editor for Stray Monkey I took on the burden of figuring this out. So I decided over the course of two days to eat lunch at a Golden Corral restaurant and a local Chinese buffet. The name of the Chinese place isn’t important; try Googling the name of any Chinese restaurant you can think of and you’ll find 700 others with the same name. Seriously, how many “China King” restaurants do you personally know? I’m guessing at least 6, and my guesses are 80% accurate 60% of the time.

Anyway, I was going to do five buffets in five days, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. My heart is 30 years old now…it can’t handle that much fat anymore. So on to the Top 4 reasons guys like all you can eat buffets, and why:

1. It’s all you can eat. This one shouldn’t need an explanation, but I’ll do it anyway. Guys like to eat for two main reasons: we like food, and we like to prove how much of a man we are by how much we can eat. That’s why we have Stray Monkey wing nights - it’s a testosterone driven chance to prove our worth by the weight of the wings we eat.
2. It’s all you can eat. Wait…isn’t that the same as #1? Yes, but there’s another reason that’s great - it’s a good deal. Men love deals. In general, we aren’t going to clip coupons but we will fight you to the bitter end when we’re car shopping, house shopping, or trying to get some cheap food. Yeah, we’ll spend money on a good steak, but when we see piles of cheap food we count the calories; not to make sure we don’t eat too much, but to make sure our calorie to dollar (c/D) ratio is high.
3. The selection. Sure, your selection is a choice between old potatoes with a thin layer of crust on them, 15 flavors of the same wing, or 12 different versions of General Tso’s chicken, but you have a choice! You want a little pile of potatoes and 4 pounds of beef? Do it. You’re in the mood to mix sushi and teriyaki chicken on a stick? The world is your oyster. You’re in control, this is your buffet.
4. The wisdom. Seriously, where else are you going to get pearls of wisdom like this? I took this picture of my fortune cookie at my “research” lunch today. Also, the dragon decor is pretty awesome too.

So that’s it, the mystery of why guys like all you can eat buffets is solved. I really wanted to make it longer than four reasons, but that’s all the good ones I could come up with. I can make a list of why you shouldn’t pretty easily:

1. Heart disease
2. It tastes bad
3. It has so much salt it may mummify your tongue
4. You won’t be able to hit on most of the people you’ll find at the restaurants, because they’re probably other dudes

Those four took all of 35 seconds to write, and most of that was trying to remember where to put the seemingly useless extra “u” in restaurant.

Enjoy your buffets, men.