“Facts” About Groundhogs

Today is groundhog day (as Troy Polamalu already informed us) and in Pennsylvania it’s pretty much a state holiday. I remember missing homeroom as a kid to watch coverage of that furry little ball prognosticate the weather all throughout the 1990’s. Apparently that’s what we did before the Internet.

Here’s some random made-up “facts” about groundhogs so you can show everyone that you know just as much as Bill Murray and every Pennsylvanian kid about groundhogs:

1. Groundhogs and woodchucks are the same thing. How much wood can a woodchuck chuck? The same as a groundhog. Which is also the same as a whistlepig.
2. Groundhogs are born hairless and stay in the den with their mothers for several months. The fathers leave soon after their birth, it’s unknown if most groundhog mothers sue for child support or if this trend is due to an increase in **** among the groundhog community. _(_Editor’s note: Boom! Kristin pulled a Pat, and is censored. Nice work, that’s two articles now. Only about 400 more to go to catch up with Pat.)
3. There are two other Groundhog Day celebrations; one in Wiarton, Ontario known at Wiarton Willie and one in Yellow River Game Ranch in Georgia, with a groundhog known as General Beauregard Lee. My sources tell me that Punxsutawney Phil can kick both their asses in a fight. When he needs backup, he calls for Gus, the Pennsylvania Lottery groundhog.
4. Groundhogs are capable swimmers, I’d be willing to take this bet and I hereby challenge Punxsutawney Phil to a duel in the 100 yard fly. If he beats me, then we’ll go with eight more weeks of winter, if I win, we jump straight to spring break.

About the Author

Kristin Kipke

Kristin is a law school graduate, former college swimmer, and in a past job, worked on the launch of KFC's Double Down. You're welcome, America.