PSA: Stop Posting Status Updates About The Cold

PSA: Stop Posting Status Updates About The Cold Weather

I don't care that it's cold. I get that weathermen probably feel left out when real news anchors are reporting on Benghazi, at the Inauguration or even reporting from the penalty box of hockey games people are excited about again, but for the past three days, it's been chilly here at Bro Council Headquarters, and every weatherman is acting like Snowpocalypse is going to have a baby with Snowmageddon and we're all going to die like Leonardo DiCaprio at the end of Titanic. It's Pittsburgh in mid-January, what was everyone expecting? Sunshine, jorts, and mandals year-round? This isn't a retirement community in South Florida; our ancestors practically lived in coal mines and steel mills and trudged through snow both ways uphill to work 20 hours a day in the dark, but apparently what passes for news today is that the bank's outdoor thermometer says it's nine degrees outside.

So, here's a list of cold weather things I'm (already) sick of:

1. Facebook photos of Your Car/ iPhone's Temperature Gauge. Oh? It's 2 degrees in your neighborhood? Well, it's -FloppityJillion degrees in mine, so clearly I'm winning.

iPhone Weather

2. News reporters pointlessly standing outside talking about how cold it is. We get it, it's freezing. Go inside and stop giving yourself frostbite. You don't need to stand inside a burning house to report on a fire.

3. A montage of photos of your baby's first snowsuit. Yes, it's adorable, your kid is wearing boots and a fuzzy hat. If she lives in Northeast, she'll be wearing those for at least 50% of the year for the next 85-90 years, but your photos are already getting old.

First Snowsuit

4. Everyone talking about how they're moving somewhere warmer. Are you really? Because all of those warmer places also have crowded suburbs, floods, earthquakes or hurricanes, so somehow I doubt you are. Put on a scarf for the next week keep it to yourself.

5. That one jackwagon who is still wearing shorts because "it's not that bad out." Look buddy, Inuits didn't survive in Alaska for hundreds of generations because they ran around in the snow like bare-legged morons. They survived because they learned how to build igloos to stay warm, fashioned themselves clothing made of seal skin, and didn't die of unnecessary frostbite. You don't look manly waiting at the bus stop in And1 sweat-shorts shivering; you look like a fool. Put on an Elmer Fudd hat like the rest of us and help your body before it stops helping you.

Whenever you think it's getting cold, think of Wim Hof. He's a Dutchman who climbed Mt. Everest in shorts, and he does things like this:

That's the end of my rant.

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About The Author
Kristin Kipke
Kristin Kipke
Kristin is a law school graduate, former college swimmer, and in a past job, worked on the launch of KFC's Double Down. You're welcome, America.