The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Are Aliens

There’s four important elements to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:

1. They are teenagers.
2. They are mutants, and were created from slime that fell into the sewers.
3. They practice ninjutsu.
4. They are turtles.

How does Michael Bay screw that up? Well, he takes the producers role in a new live-action movie about the Turtles and decides to make them into aliens. What?? Yeah, you read that right. Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Last week, Michael Bay was speaking to a crowd at a Nickelodeon presentation since the iconic tv network purchased the iconic Ninja Turtle franchise a couple years back. While he was there he said this: “Kids are going to believe one day these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race, and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny, and completely lovable.”

And our childhood dies.

As we pointed out earlier, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are mutants from the sewers, not aliens. But wait! Let’s see how Michael Bay responds to this. Maybe he was misquoted and not misguided? Here’s the official statement from his website:

“Fans need to take a breath, and chill,” wrote Bay. “They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.”

Chill?? That fires me up even more. Have you ever told someone to “calm down” in an argument? It has about the same effect as asking a woman “is that what you’re wearing” right before you leave for a date. Don’t do it. Ever. Those are pretty much the most inflammatory words you can say to an upset person.

One of the voice actors from the 1990 live action movie spoke out against the alien plans recently. Robbie Rist voiced Michelangelo in the 1990 movie and said on Facebook that Bay is “sodomizing” the original movies and causing “the rape of our childhood memories.”

We can only imagine that Michael Bay responded by saying “Chill, Robbie. Chill.” And we’re pretty sure that if Rist’s wife was around, the master of relaxation Bay would have continued by saying “oh, and your wife looks fat in that dress, tell her to chill too.”

We’ll have to wait to see how this all pans out, but for now Michael Bay is on the Stray Monkey, Not Approved list. And finally, it’s not just for Transformers on the Moon.