Freedom Flask - Beer In Your Pants


I'll admit to buying some ridiculous things: I own a bathrobe for my dog (for when he's feeling like Lebowski.) I have a piggy bank that is wearing sunglasses, and a hot-pink metallic Christmas tree I leave up year-round. I'm more than willing to admit that my bedroom looks like Urban Outfitters' brainstorming closet threw up all over it and that I certainly sometimes buy stupid crap.

But seriously, the Freedom Flask is one of the most ridiculous (and dumbest) things I've ever seen. Here's how it works: you fill the flask belt with your alcoholic drink of choice, then strap it around your waist. Then, you put on your pants as usual and put the nozzle of the flask in line with your zipper (which I guess rules out button-front jeans, suits, and 1980s-style MC Hammer pants).  

In an MSN article talking about the "underwear flask," they describe it as able to be used by both males and females, which I suppose is true if you're the type of lady who likes to raise the class of an establishment by using your skirt as a drink tent as well. But, regardless of gender, here's why the Freedom Flask is a really, really, stupid idea:

1. They encourage the Freedom Flask as a way to sneak alcohol into concerts and ballgames past security. So what happens if security stops to pat you down? Somehow I think having a nozzle in your pants is going to put you on far more lists and limit your ability to live within 200 yards of elementary schools far more quickly than just putting a regular flask in the bottom of your bag will.

2. The $10 you save on that stadium beer is small potatoes compared to the massive fine and court costs you will incur for your indecent exposure arrest when you actually try to pour yourself a beer in public using a Freedom Flask.

3. What if the Freedom Flask punctures? Now you're the guy at the barbecue who was not only too cheap to bring a six pack, but also looks like he wet his pants.

4. Most outdoor concerts are in the summer, as are ball games and other places you'd take this thing, so you're left with the choice: Drink super-warm crotchy beer from your Freedom Flask, or fill it with cubes and then place a nice cold bag of ice down there too, which (I'm guessing) is probably pretty uncomfortable, and would also give it an awkward lumpy shape and make your pants sound like a cooler when you sit or stand.

Seriously, bro, just pay when you get there.


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About The Author
Kristin Kipke
Kristin Kipke
Kristin is a law school graduate, former college swimmer, and in a past job, worked on the launch of KFC's Double Down. You're welcome, America.