Ready for the next entry to Stray Monkey Rules? It's our handbook written by men everywhere, for men everywhere. This week we have a nice bullet-pointed list, followed by a short video submission that sums up every key point of bathroom etiquette for men.
Rule 1 – The 24 Inch Rule
Always keep at least one urinal space between yourself and someone near you in the urinal. This is the most important rule of bathroom etiquette, and should be followed at all times. Never, and we mean never, choose a urinal that is next to one that is being used. Who wants to be stuck that close to someone using a urinal? No one.
The "12 inch voice" rule was popular in my elementary school to explain to children that you shouldn't talk loud enough that someone more than 12 inches from you could hear you. The 24 inch rule says that you shouldn't be within 24 inches of someone who is urinating, and 24 inches just so happens to be the average width of a urinal stall.
Rule 2 – Never Talk, Ever
When you open the door to a public bathroom, you should shut your mouth. If you have questions about the weather, want to talk sports, or need to discuss the current political climate of the US you should wait until you exit the bathroom. Nothing is important enough to talk to another bathroom-goer with your pants down.
Rule 3 – Peeing Stances, Please
Shoulders tight, legs close together, and eyes facing forward like you're staring at the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket. Don't take up too much room, if someone breaks rule #1 you might get stuck with some accidental touching. That's completely unacceptable.
Rule 4 – The Restroom Workers Courtesy
Don't pee all over things! The people that are cleaning up after you aren't getting paid much. They don't need your mis-fires and laziness to add to their employment stress. Pretend like you're visiting your grandmother's house every time you visit a public restroom; no one wants to pee on Nana's carpeted bathroom floor, and no one should pee recklessly in a public space either.
Don't be an animal, aim for the bowl.
Rule 30.97 – The Usain Bolt Rule
Quickness is key! Get in, go, wash your hands, and get out. Bolt's record time for the 300m race is 30.97 seconds. Try to beat that in the bathroom; it doesn't leave much time for anyone to break rule #2, and you keep things flowing so your fellow patrons can get in and out.
Just remember: Never, ever, under any circumstance, say a single word in a men's restroom. Check out the video below for a good wrap-up.